I saw her clench her arms around her stomach and double over. She leaned into the wall behind her and slid down to a sitting position. She looked like she was in pain. She was crying and almost seemed oblivious to the fact that I was clearly able to see her. I asked God if she was sick because that’s the only thing that made sense to me. I wondered if I needed to help her in some way or just stay out of the way.
Then, I clearly sensed Him tell me that she was pregnant and it was unexpected. She had just found out and the news was overwhelming to her. She didn’t know what she was going to do. All the questions came at her. What will her parents say? What will her friends say? What will she do about this? Who can she trust with this information? Who will help her?
Immediately, I started to pray for this woman, and not just her, but all women who find themselves in this situation. I pray that they would have the Holy Spirit’s comfort. I pray for people to come around them and help them through this unexpected turn of events. I pray that God will give them grace to choose life over death for the baby. I pray that their fear will give way to hope. I pray that they can see the sunshine through this rain. I pray for peace to drive out all the overwhelming feelings. I pray for Jesus’ perfect peace to rest on their minds and bring clear-thinking to them.
Why didn’t I go over to her, you may be asking. Well, God was speaking to me in a dream. I wasn’t physically in the same place as this person. I don’t even know if she is real, but what she represents is very real. The sense that God was calling me to pray was very real. It was an intense moment to cry out for women who are pregnant with a child that for one reason or another they can’t keep. A child whose very life is in the hands of its momma.
Questions and Lies…
As I’ve waded through my decisions regarding what type of adoption process we should head towards, I have reflected a lot about WHY we are choosing private adoption. Is it just because WE want it? Does it seem to be selfish? Is it just the ‘easy way out’? Why would we choose this option instead of just having another biological child or adopting a child who’s already in existence? Why are we putting our hat in the same ring as so many couples who can’t conceive? We aren’t infertile, so are we taking away another person’s chance to adopt? It just doesn’t always make sense.
These are very real and hard questions to face. It puts me looking straight into the eyes of a lot of self-revelation. My people-pleaser part starts to rear its head. It says, ‘You should be doing what most people will approve of.’ Don’t most people think that an adoptive couple with biological children should only adopt orphans or kids that would have the hardest time finding a family?
‘This is the easy way to adopt,’ lies the idol of comfort. It might seem that way, but, no. This is not any easier than other adoption processes. There is still plenty of hard stuff.
My competitive side shares another untruth, ‘Why are you competing with infertile couples for children? Don’t you know that there’s only so many babies and that you’re ‘taking’ one from a couple who REALLY wants a child?’ Am I really intentionally taking away the chance for another couple to experience parenting?
Answers & Truth…
I have to decide should I approach my adoption experience with all these other considerations in mind? It’s taken some time, but God made it clear that I need to listen to Him. I’ve written about this before, but don’t you know that the old patterns try to keep creeping in. So, I once again find myself reminding me what God said. God made it clear to adopt through private domestic adoption. He’s reminded me that my adoption process might not look the same as the other people I know who have adopted. He’s reminded me to be secure in Him and His plan for us.
As I reflect more on this, He’s shown me some other things that help me stay in the mindset of keeping God’s plan first rather than the opinions of others. He’s shown me something for each member of the adoption triad: birth parents, adoptive parents, and the child placed for adoption.
Adoptive Parents (Us)…
First, God knows what my family can handle right now. He knows our schedule (present and future) and He knows each of our specific capacities in life. He has led us to private domestic adoption because He knows that it’s what is BEST for our family right now. So, the people-pleaser lie can stand down.
Child to be Adopted…
Second, a newborn placed for adoption has no choice in where he/she will grow up. But that doesn’t mean this child isn’t thought about by God. God knows what family will be good for each child. It could be possible that the best place for any given child is with our family and that makes my perceived ‘competition’ with infertile couples irrelevant. It’s not competition, it’s about finding a home for the child and I trust God to help with that decision regardless of who’s in the pool of families to choose from. The competitive lie can stand down.
Birth Mother/Expectant Mother…
Lastly, the Birth Mother, or expectant mother (pre-birth), has been on my mind a lot more than I anticipated. The more I’ve learned about different stories and scenarios that prompt some expectant mothers to make adoption plans, the more I seem to be putting myself into their shoes. What an incredibly hard decision this must be! And even if it’s an obvious choice to make a plan for adoption, the expectant mother is still sacrificing by allowing her baby to grow in her and be birthed through her! This is an incredible gift made by ANY biological mother.
What really comes to mind is how big of a choice the expectant mother is making when she chooses the parents of her unborn child. This mother is shown family profiles and then she can meet a few of the people to see how well they connect. Ultimately, she is the one who chooses the parents-to-be for her baby. This is hard stuff!
I realize that what I can give to an expectant mother before she even chooses the adoptive parents is a choice. I can give her my family as a choice for her baby. Without prospective adoptive parents doing the hard work to be approved to adopt, the expectant mothers wouldn’t have these families as choices. I’m so glad that what I can first give to a birth mother is another good option for someone to raise her baby. The lie of taking the easy way out can stand down.
This is a complicated process. I’ve really enjoyed learning so many more of the ins and outs related to adoption. I am glad that God’s been giving me more compassion towards expectant mothers. I had already felt an innate compassion towards the unborn child, but this is new territory. Please join me in praying for the entire adoption triad as we move forward with our next step in our adoption process – being a good choice for an expectant mother.
2 thoughts on “Truth Among Questions”
When I read this blog I think first about the child being adopted. I am grateful that you are opening your home to a child who needs to be loved and nurtured because you have a proven track record. Your three children are so happy and secure. They convince me that you have a home that will greatly benefit a child in need of a loving family. To me that is the most important consideration. Dad and I will continue to pray. Thank you for helping us focus in on the adoption triad.
Thanks Mom! I am sure hoping that an expectant mother will notice that about us and be happy and secure to put their own child into our home. Thanks for the continual prayers!