Tag: God

Adoption, Bible, God, My Story

Michal & The Joy of the Lord

brittanymputman

Quiet Time…

There are times when I read my Bible and nothing notable stands out to me. Yet, I diligently read the Bible over and over again because I know it’s good for me. How do I know? Well, besides, ‘the Bible tells me so,’ it’s because of the times when things in the Bible do stand out to me! I wanted to share some thoughts that came to me while I was reading 2 Samuel 6. 

Michal…

I always thought Michal, David’s wife, had a real problem for getting so upset with him for dancing and praising the Lord half-dressed in the streets. I mean, wasn’t he praising God after all? God wasn’t striking him dead and it seemed to be portrayed as a ‘good’ thing to do in the text. And even if she was upset with David, he was her king! Kings demand honor and respect whether or not we agree with them. So, why would she put herself in a precarious position by judging the king? This time reading through the story, I saw something a bit different than usual. I saw Michal as a person and considered her history…

Her Story…

…She’s in love with a man who has a rocky relationship with her father. But, he’s in love with her too and he asks for her hand. The father, thinking he can get rid of this suitor sends him on a crazy task in hopes that he’ll die trying or just give up. But he’s surprised. David has indeed done what Saul asks of him and Michal becomes David’s wife. 

Michal and David probably don’t have the easiest of marriages. After all, over and over again, Michal’s dad, Saul, who’s also David’s boss, tries to harm him. Finally, it becomes apparent that Saul does indeed mean to kill David when he has the chance. David seemingly has no choice. Preservation of life demands that he run away, not to mention the godly promise of being the future king! 

Gustave Doré (1865)

In an act of heroism, Michal says, ‘If you do not escape with your life tonight, tomorrow you will be killed.’ She lowers David out the window and when the guards come to the house to search for David, Michal tells them he’s sick in bed, hoping this would buy them some time. It doesn’t work. The guards go to the bed and pull back the covers only to see that a dummy has been made to look like David and placed in bed. David was already out the window and making his get away to Samuel the prophet.

As David stays away from home in order to save his life, Michal is left on her own. Saul eventually decides to give her in marriage to another man. Over the years this man seems to come to love Michal deeply as is shown later in the story. When David’s kingship is being established, he requires that his first wife, Michal be returned to him. As she is being transported to David, her husband follows behind, weeping. The first question that comes to mind is, who would Michal rather be with at this stage in her life? Her first love or the man who she’s currently with? Poor Michal must feel like a pawn being fought over between two kingdoms – Saul’s line and David’s line.

The Hurt and Pain Shows…

We get a glimpse of how she might be feeling when David returns from retrieving the Ark of the Covenant. He’s praising God and dancing in celebration of the Ark being brought to his city that he unashamedly ‘leaps and dances before the Lord.’ The Bible tells us that when Michal saw this from her window, she despised him. That word carries such weight. I imagine that all the resentment, hurt, and pain of her life comes out against David as she sees him full of joy. How long has she held onto the pain of his earlier abandonment, even though she encouraged it? How long has she held onto the hurt of being taken, some might say kidnapped, from her second husband that she had made a life with during the years David was gone? It seems like the hurt, resentment and possible unforgiveness clouded her vision to see the joy of the moment – God’s presence entering the city. The only way she could respond was with disrespect and judgement towards her husband. Still, even with all this backstory, there had to have been a way for redemption.

“David Brings the Ark to Jerusalem” by Darlene Slavujac, 1993

My Own Hurt…

This led me to look at my own life more closely. How often do I have resentment towards other people and miss what God’s doing in and around me? How many times have I judged someone or something (an organization maybe) because of the pain and hurt caused to me. In what ways is that unforgiveness and bitterness robbing me of the ‘Joy of the Lord’?

Let’s bring it to a very real place in my life. During my elementary aged years I had to be interviewed by a DHS (Department of Human Services) worker to determine if a certain person had ever abused me. You see, I was in frequent contact with a man who had an allegation made against him of abusing a child from nearly a decade earlier – this child now being a teenager. I was interviewed by the DHS social worker assigned to the case in a one-on-one meeting – this being necessary so that no other person could potentially influence my responses and answers. The worker who interviewed me made me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. He asked me questions that I didn’t want to answer or think about. I had not been abused and so it was hard for me to come to terms with and have an understanding of what he was suggesting. In that interview, I felt like my innocence was being stripped from me. I felt dirty just thinking about the things he was insinuating.

That interaction and process put a bad taste in my mouth for Social Services. I held onto a dislike for ‘the system’ for YEARS! I was afraid of the people and didn’t trust the system. I had bad memories and images in my mind from the questions I was asked. I couldn’t get over the feeling of being sullied and I was angry that I had to ‘grow up’ sooner than I should have.

But finally, in my adulthood, God came to me in a new way. He gently prompted me to receive some deep inner healing prayer. Through those hours spent praying, I was finally able to release my judgement of DHS and other social services. I was able to forgive the institution that made me see parts of life I never wanted to know about. In relinquishing my right to judge, God peeled back the layers of hurt and moved me towards freedom. Freedom to trust, freedom to see the good in systems and freedom to regain my childlike innocence.

The Joy of the Lord…

And now, I’m working with social workers and allowing them to privately interview my own kids in order to be approved for adoption. I can tell you, it was really hard to feel comfortable allowing each of my kids to be interviewed privately by our caseworker, but I also have come to trust. Through establishing a relationship with our caseworker, I could see that she is not like the social worker that interviewed me so many years ago. I’ve also learned from others who have been through this before, that the adoption questions are super general and don’t go towards subjects that I had to discuss so many years ago – unless there was a good reason to. After my kids came out from interviewing, each of them was so happy and excited that they got to have a special part in making our adoption approval come to fruition. I’m so thankful that I have presently and will see in the future the ‘Joy of the Lord’ while working with this institution towards adoption!

Trust, Honor, Respect…

Reading Michal’s story and trying to imagine what life might have been like for her really helped me to get a different idea of why she responded like she did. It also helped me to apply it to my own life circumstances. I have had enough negative experiences to be able to feel justified in holding a grudge against people and even against my king, Jesus/God. But if I did that, then where would I be? I’ve chosen to release my judgement of situations because I don’t know all the details. I can’t know all the possible outcomes or all the spiritual forces happening behind the scenes. BUT, I do know that I can trust God to bring about good in my life through the pain and trials. I can choose to see the ‘Joy of the Lord’ in my past, present and future. And even when I don’t understand, I still choose to honor and respect my King, Jesus. I know one thing, when given the opportunity, I will dance with great abandon in the presence of the Holy Spirit/God. 

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness (joy) of the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalm 27:13
Adoption, God, My Story, Praise and Worship

Espresso & Mocha

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First, I blogged…

I began blogging because I had so many things inside that I wanted to share with people, but it just didn’t seem like there was often a lot of time to ‘shoot the breeze.’ The blog has been a great place for me to share my stories, reflect on how God’s been a part of each of them, and dream about my future. It’s helped, healed, and grown me in ways I didn’t know would happen when I started. It wasn’t my idea to start blogging, it was God’s. So, a few weeks back I decided to blog about a joy that was given to me during a painful transition in my childhood – a Siamese Kitten. That kitten was so special to me and I was very sad when I had to give him up after only a year or so because we were moving to a new home and couldn’t have the cat. 

Fast forward to not long ago. It was the end of the work week after what had been a very busy week and preceding weekend. I getting some rest time in before the kids came home from school and another busy weekend began. At this point Putty, my husband, had been on a work trip for nearly 1.5 weeks and I was being intentional to get some down time in whenever possible. I decided to read that afternoon, but as I was reading I felt very strongly like I needed to get up and make a video recording of a praise and worship song that had been on my heart that week. After I finished, I sat back down to upload the video and continue reading and that’s when I received a text notification.

Then, I Received…

I received a text from my mom. She had been volunteering at the Humane Society/Animal Shelter when she happened to come across some new kittens that were just put out for adoption… Siamese kittens! She stopped in her tracks and couldn’t believe her eyes! She talked with God about how I had just blogged about my first Siamese kitten and then less than 2 weeks later, here were adoptable ones just the same! She heard God tell her that these kittens were a gift to me, her daughter. As soon as she could, she sent me a text about these kittens.

I played it cool and tried not to get too excited about them. I had a number of reasons why it wasn’t the time for us to adopt kittens, the biggest of which was that my husband was across the globe in Australia! How could we make this decision and why on earth would he agree to adopting them without meeting them? 

Mocha & Espresso

Then, Mom sent me the links for the pictures of these kittens. My heart fell for them immediately. Not to mention, their names were already meant for us: Espresso & Mocha! We love coffee. That was that. I texted my sister to get another opinion and while I was texting I started to cry over the possibility that these kittens could be mine! I didn’t understand it, but it sure felt like a confirmation that God was leading me to keep exploring the idea of adopting these kittens. So, I texted Putty and his response floored me. He told me that he couldn’t really discern one way or the other if we should get these cats, but that he felt positive that God was telling him to go with my lead on this. So, the decision was up to me.

I quickly asked my friend to come babysit, then asked Mom to meet me at the Humane Society, and I was on my way to see these little ones. I knew that I needed to take the next step of seeing them in person. On my way, I asked God about these kittens and He told me that they were a gift for me if I wanted them and that He has already provided for us to have these two join our family. I cried tears of joy. He also reminded me how I had just posted a video of me singing Reckless Love by Cory Asbury only a few hours earlier. This song always reminds me of adoption and here I was going forward with a potential adoption! I was racing after these kittens just as God chases after us.

I met those sweet kittens and I already felt like they were mine. I didn’t need a lot of time before heading to the front desk and letting them know I wanted to apply for adopting them. In the time it took me to fill out my paperwork, two other interested people changed their minds and adopted other pets. I couldn’t believe it! I was going to be first in line to adopt them! What are the chances? Well, pretty good when God is presenting you with a gift and you walk the steps out to receive it or in this case, them.

  • Espresso
  • Mocha

Now, I Steward…

The next day I went shopping for new cat items even before hearing that I was approved to adopt them. Then I got the call that I had been approved and could come pick them up in a few hours! Immediately after the kids came home from school I got us all in our minivan and we were on our way. The kids didn’t know what was about to happen. They thought we were just going to take a trip to the Humane Society and see some animals that Grandma wanted to show them. They were so excited when after seeing them for the first time I announced that we were going to bring them home. Right away their hearts moved towards the kittens, holding nothing back.

It’s been so fun to see the kids and the kittens interact. They have so much fun together. It’s been great to see how much my husband loves having kittens around again and it reminds me of how much he loves even the littlest creatures and how gentle he is with them. And every time I see them or tell the story of how we got them, I’m reminded that God loves me and still wants to give gifts to me, even 25 years later!

Adoption, God, My Story

Adoption Update: October 2019

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Home Study Two-Thirds Complete…

I’ve been getting a lot of questions recently about how things are coming along with our adoption. Well, they are going very well! We’ve had two out of three home visits with our amazing case worker and our last one is scheduled for early November! You know, when I first heard about home studies, I thought they were going to be this mountain to climb and hopefully succeed, but so far, it hasn’t been too terribly difficult. A lot of that has to do with our AMAZING case worker and also my organized nature. I already had a lot of the things readily available that were required to submit for our home study and if I didn’t, I knew where to quickly get them.

So, what has been involved in our home study this far? First we had to make copies of all our legal documents; birth certificates, marriage certificates, drivers licenses, health insurance cards, veterinarian statements and tax returns. Then we asked our places of employment to fill out some forms verifying our employment, asked for reference letters from pastors and non-family friends, got a counselor reference (because I see a counselor), and showed a plan for who would take our kids in the unlikely event of our deaths. These last things we had to rely on other people for and I’m so thankful for all the people who helped with these details!

So much paperwork!

Finally, we had to get fingerprinted and background checks for both State and FBI, get tuberculosis tests to ensure we didn’t have that disease and schedule physical exams for all members of our household. We also had to fill out a ‘financial diagnostics’ form and a fire safety evacuation plan. We went through a number of child recall lists to ensure that nothing in our house was on those lists and we filled out a special needs approval list stating what special needs we’d feel comfortable taking on in an adopted child. Phew! I know, it seems like a lot, but we just kept ticking the boxes off and making our way through the list. We still have more time consuming things to complete, but they’ll get done and then we’ll be even closer to being approved to adopt!

Finding a Match…

Many people are curious to know where we will ‘find our baby.’ In the private adoption world this is called ‘being matched with a birth mom.’ There are a number of ways to be matched; agency assisted adoption, attorney assisted adoption, or independent adoption. This is simplified from the many sub-types under each of these. 

Agency assisted adoptions are like using a middle man to do the matching. We can submit our family profile to them and they can show it to birth mothers whose criteria matches ours. If a birth mother selects us, then we’d meet in person and eventually a birth mother would choose us to potentially adopt her baby. I say potentially because there’s always the possibility that the birth family will choose to keep the baby after birth. 

In Attorney assisted adoption things can be similar to the agency adoptions in the sense that the attorney has a pool of families that they can suggest to birth mothers. However, an agency offers extra things that an attorney doesn’t always do. This doesn’t mean that attorney assisted adoptions are better or worse, just that they’re different. It really depends on your unique needs as a family. 

Finally, an adoptive family can do an independent adoption. I’m using this term to mean that the adoptive parents somehow found a birth family on their own. This is all about the matching phase remember. Most adoptions will still have an attorney in them at some point and some families choose to have the agency assist in other ways with the adoption outside of the matching process. So, the most commonly thought of story here is that a friend of a friend knows someone who’s having a baby and hoping to make an adoption plan. They introduce us to the birth mother and after meeting we all decide if this would be a good match. Then you take things from there to an agency/attorney. 

Honestly, we do not know clearly which way God is moving us yet. We know that we need to get the home study done because all these options will require an approved home study. But how we’ll find our birth mother match still feels like we’re on hold with the exact details. We’re staying open to God’s leading on this one and just taking it all one step at a time. The details that we are clear on is that God has a baby (or baby + another child 2 years and under) for us somewhere and that this baby will be non-white. We have an idea of what race and gender we think we’re expecting, but again, we’re just praying and waiting on God to bring us together with the birth mom that He has for us. 

Fundraising…

Fundraising – a necessary step in many adoptions. Adoption can be expensive. There are so many little things to buy here and there; so many tests and appointments to make. There are fees to pay for services, training, and other such things. The little bits really add up over time, but the biggest expense will be the Placement (Matching) Fee if we go with an agency or attorney. Obviously these people put in time and effort to help birth moms and adoptive families meet and decide on their next steps. This is their literal day to day job and their work is important. In order for them to continue making these joyful connections in other people’s lives, they need to be paid! So, this is where the price really jumps up as opposed to meeting a birth mother on your own. It’s estimated that we’ll need at least $20,000 baseline for adoption through an agency or attorney.

With this in mind, we’re beginning the fundraising process. We have pretty good reason to believe that we’ll be approved to adopt and so it’s a good idea to begin gathering the money we’ll need in order to pay for the expenses associated with adopting a child. We’d like to be ready for a lengthy wait or for an unexpected and quick placement. This is why we’re beginning to ask for financial help even before having a completed home study. 

And so, would you consider helping us adopt our next child? We would be so blessed to receive from anyone that feels led to sow into this very special part of our lives. We have a set up an adoption fund through The Vineyard Church of Central Illinois. You can give in two ways. The first way is to write a check to The Vineyard Church in the amount you wish to donate. If you’d like it to be tax deductible, do NOT write our names on the check (or cash in an envelope). Instead, include a note with the check indicating where you’d like this money to go. You can hand the check directly to Putty or me, OR you can send it to the church at: 1500 N. Lincoln Ave, Urbana, IL 61801.

The other way to give is online. There will be a fee involved if giving this way, so part of your donation will go towards the credit card fees. The link to donate by card is: https://thevineyardchurch.ccbchurch.com/goto/forms/989/responses/new

Wrapping it Up…

Thank you so much to everyone that’s already been asking us how things are going with our adoption. It’s fun to finally talk about something that’s been on my heart for years! I’ve loved hearing your own stories of adoption and I look forward to continuing to connect with you through the blog or in person. Thank you all so much and please continue to pray with us that God will help us find the right match. Thank you!

God, My Story

The Shock and Shift of Life

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The Perfect Life…

I literally thought I had the perfect life. Of course, I was eight years old and didn’t really think about what an ‘imperfect life’ would be. That is, with the exception of the commercials I saw of children in foreign countries with flies buzzing around their faces. That obviously wasn’t perfect. The child-like joy of life is not to worry about what could be, but to live in the moment. I lived in the moments with my family. 

My ‘Perfect’ Family

We played together, we ate together, we went to church together. One fun memory was the night when we rented a VCR from the video store and picked out a movie to watch together as a family. That was a highlight for sure! …But then something happened that shattered the innocence of my ideal world.

The Moment of Change…

I’m not alone in what I’m about to share. There are so many other people who have lived this story or variations of it, but when its happening to you, it feels like you’re the only one in the world experiencing the shock and shift of life. …My parents got divorced. I no longer had both parents at home to spend evenings and weekends with; both parents to eat a Sunday dinner together after a morning spent at church. I was now a child of a single father and a single mother. 

Half my Family

I had no way of knowing what this would do to my life. I barely even knew anyone who had divorced parents because my world was pretty small. What do you do with something like this when such a big change happens? It’s not something that eventually goes away, although I prayed nightly that my parents would get back together again. It’s not something I would hide since I’m an external processor and I needed to talk to people in my inner-circle, but not immediate family, about the changes in my life. 

Self-Shame…

There was so much self-shame I experienced because now I was a child in ‘one of those families’ through no fault of my own. I grew up being taught that ‘divorce is wrong’ and ‘God hates divorce’ and all of a sudden those same people who had taught me these principles and rules now broke covenant with each other and with me. I didn’t know what to do with it! I didn’t know how to reconcile what was happening in my life with the things I had been taught. I didn’t know how to mend and fix the brokenness. Where do I go? Who do I talk to? I was so filled with shame to be a child of a divorced family. 

Here to Stay…

But there was One. There was always One…The One, God, my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful that I believed in Jesus as my Savior from such a young age. When my heart hurt, I could pray to Him. When I didn’t understand what was happening, His arms surrounded me. When relationships, finances, housing, family, and school was just plain tough as a result, He was ready and waiting to listen. God was my anchor. He was my provider. He was my steady place. What I learned about God in this part of my life has carried with me. What was hard pressed and shaken in my life, resulted in new strength and fortitude. I discovered the truth of the verse below because of my connection to God through the hard time.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-12 (NIV)

 I was not alone. I could always turn to God. When things in my life weren’t perfect… He was. 

My friends wrote a song birthed out of their experiences of meeting the ‘God who stayed with them’ always and through everything. Be encouraged and lifted up by the One who is ‘Here to Stay.’

God, My Story

Finding Beethoven

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Siamese Cats…

When I was young, my neighbor friend, Dana, had a few Siamese cats. I really liked her cats and thought that surely these were the best cats around since my friends’ family loved them so much. My soon-to-be sister-in-law’s family had a Siamese cat too and so, it seemed like everyone had one. 

I began asking my Mom if we could have another cat. Nevermind that we already had a cat, I wanted a Siamese cat. I wanted to be like my friend and own these stately cats that walked with their heads held high. They were beautiful to me with their light and dark brown fur and blue eyes. I dismissed the notion that Siamese cats were somehow cruel – what Lady and the Tramp would want us to believe. No, these cats were my kind of cats.

  • Our cat, Snowball
  • Siamese cats of Lady and the Tramp

Not in the Cards…

Mom knew that we couldn’t just up and get a Siamese. They were expensive and who knew where you could find a breeder? This cat wasn’t the kind that we could regularly find at the Animal Shelter either. However, she could see the depth of desire I had for one of these pets. She desperately wanted to give me something that would make my heart soar.

Now, lest you think my Mom was indulgent, that wasn’t the case. My parents were going through a divorce and it was really hard on all of us as a family. Finding ‘the little things’ to brighten our days was important. And so, Mom prayed. She prayed that there would be a Siamese cat for our family.

Finding Beethoven…

Well, wouldn’t you know, Dana had just found a little kitten in her neighbor’s yard. The kitten had been hiding in a house corner when she noticed it’s little curled up body. She immediately took that kitten into her home to make sure it was safe from harm. This kitten was a Siamese! First they tried to find the owner, but no one came forward. Her mom told her that they already had enough cats and couldn’t keep this one too. So, they offered the cat to me!

I was so ecstatic and Mom said I could keep it! We took this little scrawny kitten home and gave it a bath, where my sister picked off a lot of fleas. We made up a little cardboard box and covered it with a soft blanket. The kitten immediately crawled in and made himself at home. I put a worn out stuffed animal next to him too, you know, because kittens like stuffed animals! Hey, it made sense in my child’s mind. We named him Beethoven, after my current favorite animal movie of the same name.

Beethoven getting comfy in his new home.

Good Gifts…

Little did I know that Mom had been praying for this gift. Years later, she shared with me that she always wondered if an angel had brought our cat to us. I wasn’t sure what to think. Did angels still help out humans? Would they do something as simple as leaving a new pet for a child? Why would they care? Well, it’s not so much just the angels, but God who sends them. God the Father loves His children and cares for them. He can send angels to do tasks as joy-giving as leaving a very specific Siamese kitten for a little child going through a painful time in her life.

“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

Matthew 7:11 ESV
God, My Story

A Brother’s Love & Protection

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Sibling Love/Sibling Rivalry…

Most of the time I loved my siblings and enjoyed playing with them and running around with them while we were growing up. Then there were those times that I remember being angry with them and hurt by them and even confused. But hey, that’s what having brothers and sisters is all about – sibling love and sibling rivalry!

Not Pulling My Hair…

My brother, Jesse, is five years older than me and the sibling immediately older than me in our birth order. When I think about Jesse a few things stand out to me: Baseball, Video Games, Friends, and Hair Pulling. Even into our adulthood, my brother still pulled my hair! His favorite thing to say to me was, “I’m not pulling your hair you’re pulling your own hair”. Technically, he was right. He was ‘holding’ my hair and I was pulling to get away from his grasp. But that justification was just splitting hairs (pun intended). He WAS pulling my hair.

Jesse ‘not-pulling’ my hair

Almost Spitting…

We had the usual brother-sister spat… or should I say ‘spit’? That’s right, he liked to almost spit on me! He was a great wrestler and I wasn’t afraid to get in on the fight, but then he’d win. As he had me pinned to the floor he’d let a drop of saliva every so slowly begin to drip from his lips. I was sure it was going to fall right onto my face! But usually, he sucked it back up just in time. I was saved!

Teasing and Love…

You see, even though these things could be seen as malicious and mean-spirited, he never actually hurt me. He was big on teasing – took after my dad and oldest brother on that! But he never hurt me. Case in point; one time he was looking after me and I wanted to play with him and his friend. They were playing catch with a baseball. Somehow I got in the cross fire and the ball hit me in the face. As I started to wail, Jesse immediately jumped into action. He quickly got some ice for my injury. Then he found me my favorite blanket and pillow and made up a bed for me on the porch swing. I thought it was great to have my big brother catering to me and I soaked up the attention and happily watched as he and his friend went back to playing catch. Either Jesse really cared about me or he  was really afraid of getting into trouble with Mom and Dad.

  • Ready to play catch!
  • Comfortable and safe with my big bro

A Safe Place…

Whichever one it was, I found out his true heart as we got a little older. I actually don’t remember the memory very well, but the feelings of that memory are unforgettable. Jesse was left in charge of me again and I got very afraid of being left alone, without my parents. I don’t know why exactly. It was probably a step in my journey of growing up and maturing into independence. Jesse could tell how down I was feeling and he came to my room to talk to me. The words he said and his actions showed me that with him around, I never needed to be afraid. It anchored me so I could jump up and roam around again happily.

Jesse and me more recently

Jesse has proven his safety and care over and over again through the years. He has offered thoughtful advice at key moments in my growing up. He signed off on my then boyfriend – now husband, a very important opinion. And he still quietly shares his heart and reflections on current situations with truth and wisdom. I now see him caring for his own family in this same way.

Trickling Down…

There’s something very good that can be said for acting in such a way that those around you feel safe. When we challenge ourselves to be courageous and caring, it has a ripple effect to those around us. Not only do they feel safe, but they are empowered to be a safe place for those around them. Ultimately, we get our first safety from God the Father. His love trickles down to us directly and also through the people we find safety in and then on towards those who find safety with us.

Adoption, God, My Story

Adoption Update: August 2019

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Application Submitted…

We finally did it! 4 months after a post saying that we were getting ready to submit our application to adopt, we actually did it! Why the long wait? Well, as I mentioned in another post, we felt led by God to reinvestigate a variety of ways to adopt and schedule more meetings and phone calls with the various professionals involved in each type of adoption. I now know a lot more than I did and I’m so glad to have a greater understanding of the adoption world as a whole!

We learned more about different adoption programs such as Foster Care to Adopt, the Adopt Waiting Children program, and International Adoption. When we considered all the options each of these give us and weighed many factors, we decided to go ahead and do what we originally planned, Private Domestic Adoption. This fits best with our current priorities for adoption and learning more about the rest of the programs out there confirmed that our original intention was the right one for us at this time. It feels very good to be even more settled than we were before. 

What Will People Think?…

One thing that came to light for me personally was how much worry I had wrapped up in how people would view our adoption choices. I knew what God had placed in my heart, but I also knew all the other opinions out there and judgement that could be awaiting me. My mind kept hearing the arguments against the adoption we were choosing and the arguments for all the other types of adoption. I began to feel like I would need to defend my choices and I didn’t know how I would do that. I worried that maybe I wasn’t actually doing what was best.

Because of this inner dialogue, I started to doubt, worry, and wonder. At times, I felt like wavering and giving up. Putty, my husband, isn’t too worried about what others think. He stands firm in his resolve that God spoke and that’s all that matters. This made it hard for me to share openly with him all that was going through my mind and so, sometimes, I felt alone in this too. Perhaps what felt most difficult was hearing ‘Wait’ from God over and over again. I just wanted Him to tell me what to do! I didn’t want to wait, I wanted to be active.

Inner Strengthening…

So, after taking another look at adoption options, reading more books, and talking with more people, I eventually came to know what I really wanted and the best program for that. I came out of this weighing process feeling more firm in my path of adoption. I gained inner strength and conviction towards our decision. These past 4 months have been enormously helpful as we’ve prepared our hearts and family for welcoming another child into our home. And God has finally said, ‘Go!’

Rewards of Waiting…

It wasn’t easy… the waiting. So many times I felt like I was just treading water. It didn’t feel like I was moving forward, but I kept hearing God say, ‘Wait.’ Have you ever felt like this? We can want something to happen or at least see forward motion so badly that we jump ahead and miss the growth and strengthening that happens in the waiting. But when we wait we get the joy of feeling the quickening that comes after the waiting. We feel the peace of having been patient, self-controlled and obedient. And we get to experience the hopeful expectation of the next step that God will lead us on.

God, Kingdom, Leadership, My Story

Doing Church Alone with Kids – Part 2

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Together, but not…

In my previous post, I shared how I ‘do church alone with kids’ because my husband works on Sunday mornings. The kicker is that he works at our church! How can he and I be in the same place at the same time, but I am still alone/separate? 

The Assumption and the Reality…

When we decided that my husband would leave his field of physics to become a pastor, I didn’t realize how that would affect my Sunday mornings. I assumed we’d carry on as usual. He and I still sitting together at church, mingling with friends together, and driving to and from church together. But one day, I started complaining to him about his lack of presence with me on Sundays. I tried to demand more of him on that day. He made it clear that he was ‘at work’ and he couldn’t just function as we had in the past.

The Workplace…

This really got me thinking. I had to wrap my head around what he was saying. So, I tried to apply it to when I was working full time. It would be inappropriate for me to have my husband come to my workplace and just sit with me all day. It would be distracting to have him constantly talking to me and trying to get my attention while I was working or meeting with people. It’d be awkward to have him calling the shots with my time and energy while I was ‘on the clock.’ How very ridiculous that would be!

The Understanding…

When I really started to put it into perspective that he was being paid to be at church on Sunday and interface with the church members, to help in his area of ministry, and that his boss could easily see how he was using his time, I began to shift my expectations. I could see that although we can be a family at church, it actually isn’t his main focus. Although he completely loves me and the kids, he also loves the people he serves – both bosses and church attenders. 

  • I’m often found on my own with the kids on Sunday
  • Snapping a quick family photo ‘on the clock’

Working it Out…

As the years have gone by, I’ve been able to work out how to function as a family with my pastor husband, even while he’s working. We have openly discussed the needs of our family and the needs of his job. We come to solutions together so that we are on the same page. And yeah, sometimes that means I shoulder more of the parental role on a Sunday morning. Sometimes, it can seem like I’m alone on the surface, but in reality we’re in this ministry together. The way in which I choose to support him and honor his role is one area that I serve. I’m thankful to be alongside him in our Kingdom Adventure.

Every job, ministry and volunteer role means sacrifice. It means a sacrifice to our expectations and the way we’ve been used to doing things. It means flexibility. We have to be able to change as the roles change. It means openness. We need to be open with those around us so that we can help each other fulfill our needs. It means growth, strengthening, interdependence, and ultimately, gain! What areas do you feel God is strengthening you? Where do you need to see a new perspective? Where do you need to be flexible and stretch? Can you see how God will ultimately bring about goodness and gain to your life as you sacrifice? He is so good.

God, Kingdom, Leadership, My Story

Doing Church Alone with Kids – Part 1

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Sunday Mornings at Home

Every Sunday morning my husband goes to work. So that leaves me to go to church on my own with my kids. My husband gets up and gets ready for work and I get up and get ready for church. Then he leaves and I help my children with breakfast and getting the final touches ready for a long morning at our Sunday morning venue. After much scurrying around and forgetting this and that, we’re finally in the car and ready to drive.

Arriving at Church…

We tumble out of the car with my older kids racing ahead of me while I try to quickly unbuckle my child who’s still in that ‘very secure’ five-point-harness child seat. (But really, I’m thankful for safety!) Finally, we’re all out, I’ve locked the car…I think. Then I relock the car just to be sure and we head to the entrance. We weave through the groups of people to the check-in kiosk. My two oldest BOTH want to do the check-in so we figure out who’ll do first service and who’ll do second service. Then name tags are put on and we’re heading to class.

  • Kids love to run to the big tree when we get to church
  • Kids hiding from the welcome team

The Drop-Off…

At this point, I’m really tired, often frazzled, and on a mission. If you try to say, ‘Hello,’ to me, I’ll likely give you a happy and quick, ‘Hi there!’ and keep moving. (You see, if you stop with children in tow, they get distracted and run to said distraction. Then I have to go through the work of getting them back to me and off again to class.) I drop off the older two first because they *usually* go in with the least amount of trouble. Then it’s just me and my pre-schooler. We head to the class with the usual teacher and the usual toys and the usual friends. But, no. Lately, she puts on a big show of tears (I know because my sister’s a volunteer in the class and says she always calms down very quickly after I leave) and I set her down in the room and quickly exit, pulling the door closed behind me. I hear her cries as I walk down the hall. I tell myself, and sometimes the occasional bystander, ‘She’ll be fine.’ And you know what, she’s ALWAYS happy when I pick her up. Mission accomplished!

To the Service…

Finally, I’m free to mingle, but at this point most people have made it into the service and I too am trying to quickly use the bathroom, get my coffee, and bee-line it to the auditorium. Once there I finally sit down and eventually, my husband joins me. ‘But didn’t you say your husband works on Sunday?’ I’m so glad you asked. Yes… He’s a pastor.

Although this narrative is humorous, it can also come across as complaining. It’s so easy to look at what we don’t have, in this case a husband to help with the kids on Sunday mornings, and long for things to be different. I definitely do that, but then I think about why they are the way they are. Together, we chose to be a family in ministry. There are certain things we gave up because of our choice. It wasn’t thrust upon us or the truth hidden from us. We simply made a choice and now each week, each day we see the joys and hardships of that choice. Although, at times, it can be lonely, I wouldn’t make a different choice. I’ve been so thankful for all that we’ve become as a family and I’m excited for what’s to come.

How about you? What things are hard in your life because of a choice you’ve made? Can you also see the positives that have come out of that choice? God is ALWAYS working things to our good. Romans 8:28a says,

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good. (ESV)

It might be hard to see the good that’s being worked out at times, but we can hold fast that there is always good to come for those that love God. Join me in Doing Church Alone with Kids – Part 2 to read more about how I came to the realization of my new Sunday morning routine due to our choice to be a family in ministry.

God, Kingdom, My Story, Praise and Worship

Jamaica Roadshow

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All my life I’ve loved singing. From singing on the church stage, to the school stage, to the college stage, to local performing. It’s all been fun and brought much joy to my heart. 

In high school I had the opportunity to go on our church mission trip to Jamaica. My role was as a singer in our praise band. We led worship songs as a group, but I also had the task to learn a solo song and be ready to sing it whenever asked. I chose Jaci Velasquez’s version of ‘I Get on my Knees’. I worked and worked to get that song comfortable in my voice and to have feeling with it too.

  • Singing in a church
  • Singing at a school

Most of the times we sang in churches and schools, but one evening we were scheduled to sing at a road show. Basically, our group was one of many that performed on a big semi-truck bed on a closed off street with many Jamaicans looking up from the road below. What a different experience this was for me! I hadn’t done anything like this before. 

We did some of our praise songs and then it was time to sing my solo. I don’t remember every part of that performance, but I vividly remember looking down at the crowd of people and seeing that they were all singing along with me. They knew the song and they were singing their hearts out with praise to Jesus! It was so uplifting and I felt something I didn’t know how to explain.

Singing Jaci Velasquez’s ‘On My Knees’ at a road show in Jamaica

After I finished, our fellow mission teammate got up and shared his testimony, but even though we had heard him share many times before, this time was different. We were all so excited when it was done and both this young man and I could only explain that we truly felt like God was singing and speaking through us. We didn’t ask for this big change in presentation, only to do well. We didn’t ask for a special experience, we just wanted people to be impacted.

Looking back, I now have words for what happened that evening. Holy Spirit. I knew God used people and could talk through people, but it wasn’t something I regularly expected. Now, I see how much Holy Spirit wants to speak through us. He wants to use us to bring life to those around us! He wants to fill us and empower us to give away more of Him!

How often have we experienced something that we couldn’t explain? What has been our response? Have we brushed it off? Have we assumed it was a one-time thing? Or have we recognized that Holy Spirit was at work in and through us? Have we pushed in for more? Have we stayed open to ‘see what the Father was doing’? Now that I know God wants to use me as a partner in ministry, I can’t help but respond with, ‘YES!’ whether in singing, speaking, writing, or praying.

A recent recording of ‘On My Knees’