Tag: God

Doubts

Doubts. They come at me when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, when I receive negative feedback, or when I hear/read about a hard story. For as much as I’m excited about adopting, the doubts still find their way in. They tell me that I’m not going to do well. They say I’m crazy to think about adding this new ‘complexity’ to my life. They tell me to take the easy road and ‘forget about it’.

As I’ve said before, I want to adopt transracially. I want to have a racially diverse family. This adds another element of doubts that come against me. Will I be able to appropriately help my adopted child(ren?) to know their cultural background? Will I know how to take care of their unique needs that are different from mine? For example, non-white hair and skin needs. Will I be able to parent them well enough so when they become adults and leave our home they can enter society well prepared? I am acutely aware that parenting a transracial child will be different than parenting my biological children. Can I do it?

Wrestling…

Does anyone else out there struggle with doubts? Does anyone else out there wonder if what they *think* they heard from God was actually Him? Doesn’t it seem like it’s supposed to be easy if we’re following the steps that He’s laid out for us? That would make the most sense to me, but then I look at my past history in this area. Yes, there are times when it feels easy, but there are plenty when it’s just plain hard. After all, Jesus didn’t promise it’d be easy. In Luke 9:23 Jesus said,

 Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny theamselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

However, despite the hardships we carry when we follow Christ, we also experience great grace for what He’s called us to. He gives us peace, hope, and joy. Sometimes it seems like when Satan comes against me, God’s grace comes to me in greater measure! God provides what I need to make it through all that His call on my life requires. Paul prays in Hebrews 13:20-21:

Now may the God of peace ... equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Assurance…

I have definitely experienced His grace and goodness while following God’s call. I see it again in our adoption process. In the midst of the swirl of confusion – clarity. In the midst of the chaotic thoughts – peace. In the midst of the fears – love. I hear God say to me: ‘I made you for this. I called you to adopt transracially. I put this dream in your heart. It wasn’t from you, it was from Me.’ And once again, I know I am fully supported by the ONE who knows everything. I have the strength yet again, to take the next step forward, to learn the next thing, and to speak out again in truth. God’s grace and goodness propel me onwards to follow His call.

Honesty…

It’s true, I’ll make mistakes while following His path. I won’t do everything right. In fact, it’s like this in every situation in which we choose to put ourselves ‘out there.’ We fail… but we will succeed too. We risk… and we keep faith. We worry… but we have hope. We are courageous. We have the ability to do something that frightens us and come out FEARLESS! I will put my insecurities in the place they belong – with God, not with me. I’ll take the dream that He’s given me and take it step by step. I’ll trust that He knows the best path for me and follow it. What will you do with your God-given dreams? Will you turn back when doubts assail you or will you find courage and strength to keep pressing onward?

One Hundred  Kids

Do you know what seems pretty impossible? Having 100 kids biologically. The most recorded number that any one mother has ever had is 69! Even though it’s over halfway there, it’s still not 100. When I was little I remember thinking, ‘I want to have 100 kids when I grow up!’ But even then, I knew that wasn’t physically possible. So I told myself, ‘I guess I’ll just have to have an orphanage.’

Orphanages…

I’m not sure why so many of my childhood thoughts revolved around orphanages. Maybe it’s because my brother was adopted out of one. Maybe it’s because my grandmother had lived in one. Maybe it was just all the popular movies of the 80s and 90s that focused on children in orphanages – think Annie, Anne of Green Gables, and other such stories. But, orphanages were in my play and in my perceived future.

God speaking…

I didn’t dwell long on the idea of having an orphanage with 100 kids in it. I went about my life of growing up, going to college, getting married, and so on. Yes, from time to time I remembered that ‘silly childhood thought,’ but I didn’t give it any weight. Until…

When I was a newly married woman, I started attending a Charismatic church. The talk about the experience of the Holy Spirit was different from my Evangelical upbringing. Eventually, I started learning about prophecy and how God can speak to us in so many ways. Very vividly, this childhood statement came back to mind. Was it a prophetic message from God? Was He trying to tell me something through this? What could it mean?

Asking…

So, I began asking God if this thought was from Him or if it was just a childish notion? If it was from God, was it for now or sometime in my future? Was it literal or figurative? I mean, how could it be literal from God when I’m pretty sure that the last US orphanage closed by 1979 and I don’t feel a call to overseas missions? If it’s figurative, what part of my life does it intersect with; children, students, friends, mentees, etc?

Comparing…

Whatever this is, it hasn’t been as clear cut as the time God spoke to a man who was praying over Putty and said that he saw an albatross bird flying over an ocean (and other things). Umm… Yes, Putty was about to go out on a mission trip to China that would change his life! It hasn’t been as obvious as the word I received in February 2009 and just read again recently that said, ‘Playing Piano: take time to worship on your own’. What is God calling me into right now – ten years later? Playing piano and worshiping on my own! It’s amazing how His words come to pass literally (playing piano and worship) and figuratively (an albatross flying over the ocean).

What I do know…

Even now, what I do know about the orphanage thoughts is that it lines right up with my desire to have children. It lines up with my heart for orphans and children in need. It lines up with God’s call for us to bring a child into our lives through adoption, whether a true orphan or an ‘emotional/spiritual’ orphan. God has been speaking. He’s been speaking since my childhood! He’s been gently guiding my future and now is the time to get my feet on the ground and start running with it! I’m so excited to bring the next child into our family.

Listening, Waiting, Responding…

We can all hear from God. We should hold onto the things we think God has spoken over us. We need to be ready to move if He shows us something in alignment with those words. It might take a long time, but  what is important is the process of listening, waiting, and responding. God can and does speak to us, even as a child.