God, My Story

Swaddled in Love

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Liquid Love

A few years ago, I began to hear that some people have experienced God’s love like a liquid that was either poured over them or filled them from head to toe. What a wonderful expression of the Father’s love for us. How amazing that we can feel something so tangible from an ‘unseen’ God!

Waiting for it…

Receiving Prayer

The way people explained this liquid love made it seem so good! I received prayer to know the Father’s love more deeply and tangibly. I had hopeful expectation that I’d get that ‘liquid love’ sense, but I didn’t. I knew God loved me. That was never up for debate. I was happy about my history with the Father, but deep down, I did want to experience that tangible love. I kept waiting… for years.

Inviting Him in…

Then, one night as I was trying to drift off to sleep, I suddenly started to feel fearful. Oftentimes my mind plays out the story of whatever bad thing that fear depicts and then I either try to ignore it or pray about it. But this night was different. As soon as I recognized that this was fear, I stopped those spiraling thoughts in their tracks! I said, ‘Holy Spirit, Jesus, Father, I invite you and I ask you to come now.’ I knew that only He could keep the fear from going any further.

Swaddled in Love…

Sure enough, I suddenly felt His ‘arms’ all around me. Since there were three that I invited in (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) I actually felt surrounded on all sides. But it wasn’t like actual arms hugging me because it was more all-encompassing, like I was being held, not just hugged. I felt a slight pressure around my body and then I realized that I was also feeling heat. This warmth moved from the outside-in. Then, it hit me! This is God’s love dispelling my fear!

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear… 1 John 4:18a

What I was experiencing was comforting and loving, but it was not what I would describe as ‘liquid’ love. So how would I describe it? A cocoon came to mind, but that’s not really very appealing to me. It seems a bit…binding.

Then I saw it. It was like being swaddled. Babies love to be swaddled because they can sense the bounds of where they are and they are warm and… they know they are safe – and that’s how I describe what I felt that night. I was swaddled in God’s love by the Heavenly Father himself.

A loving father holding his swaddled child

There are so many times when we hear other people’s stories and experiences and we hope for the same exact experience for ourselves. But we serve a unique and creative God. He shows us His love in ways that make sense to our individual personalities! So, we can learn to trust God to give us our own, unique experiences with Him! It’s okay if they’re different from others’ or even from our own expectations. As we continue to lean into the Father, we will see how He is showing us His love in an individual and unique way.

My Story, Voice

Embracing the Musician Within

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Not a Music Nerd

Let me be honest. Sometimes the things I am most passionate about, I play off as having only a passing fancy. I cover up my excitement so that I don’t come across as immature or uncool. I don’t want to be pigeon-holed as the person with only this one interest or seem obsessed and with nothing else to talk about. No, I want to be well-rounded. I even went to a liberal arts college that gives a person an educational experience across multiple disciplines. But what happens to those things I’m truly passionate about when I push them aside?

Go Royals! Bethel, my Alma Mater.

Losing Myself…

Reflecting on my childhood, I realize that somewhere along the way, I took on so many interests that my highest ‘joy-giver-interests’ started to get watered down. I started to question, ‘Who am I really?’ and ‘What’s actually important to me?’ I thought, ‘I feel like X is important to me, but so-and-so really has a good argument for Y being important. So, maybe I should rethink that and move towards Y.’ This happened over and over again and each time I chose to put my passion in a box for the sake of another’s passion, mine got buried deeper and deeper. No, it wasn’t completely gone, but it wasn’t at the forefront either.

Finding Myself…

Slowly, I began to see that some things just weren’t for me. They weren’t life giving and it didn’t feel like God was leading me in those directions. So, I stopped doing them. As more ‘potential interests’ got thrown out, my passions started to float to the surface once more! There was a wind on them that sent them pushing ahead and showing up in so many places. It was exciting and I felt more alive again!

Embracing the Musician Within…

Me and my music scarf!

This past year one of my greatest passions was reignited – Music! Yes, I have been doing music non-stop in a professional manner since I graduated college, but still I found myself ignoring the importance of it in my life. Very few people in my social circles seemed to have a true interest in music and when I came across those that did, we ended up talking about other things. But somehow, this year is different. Suddenly, I don’t seem to care if I am nerdy about music. I want to publicly show my love of it! My home decor changed (music lamp, music mugs, etc) and even some of my fashion accents (see scarf in photo). I sought out other musicians to talk to and felt joy and excitement rise again inside of me!

Me and a piano that Handel (composer of ‘The Hallelujah Chorus’) frequently played!

I’m not afraid to say, ‘I am a musician!’ I love music. It helps me express things that I can’t put into words. It helps me process underlying emotions. I am a singer! When I sing out, I feel like I’m soaring along with my voice to a new land that’s full of adventure and the unknown! I am a music professional! I can ‘talk-shop’ with other musicians and know that I have something to say because of my years of practice, teaching, and observing. So, bring it on! Let me sing! Let my voice be heard! This is who I am… (at least in part)… and it’s such an important part.

If we find ourselves feeling dull in life, then let’s look at what we’re giving time and energy to. How many of these things are life-giving to us? Do we purposely carve out time to interact with our passions? Are we constantly trying new things at the expense of what brings us joy? Are we letting go of things that ‘clutter’ our space for our higher passions? It’s so important to remember that when we move those things out, we’ll have more room to explore the passions that God has put inside each one of us. They’ll be life-giving, hope-filling, and joy-bringing!

Adoption, My Story

Pre-Steps to Adoption

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Pre-Steps to Adoption

When I dreamed about adopting, my idea of the process was formed from my Mom and Dad’s experience – go into a foreign orphanage, choose the baby that God highlights to you, get all paperwork and approval done in 3 days, and be on your way with your new baby. As I looked into the current adoption process, I realized how miraculous their adoption really was!

The process is much more than 3 days, but even before that part begins, there’s so much to decide ahead of time! My hope is that through sharing some of what we’re learning through our adoption process, others will know more of what to expect for their own journey. But of course, each adoption story is as unique and individual as the children that are adopted!

So Many Decisions…

In researching, I read a lot of blogs and books that outlined the process AFTER an application had been filled out, but didn’t see many about the part prior to it. My experience is that there’s a lot of work and deciding that has to be done before you even submit the initial application to adopt. Obviously, the first step is to decide to welcome an adopted child into your home and then decide on the ‘right’ timing. Once Putty and I felt like it was the right time for us, we contacted a private agency a friend recommended to us, so we could ask questions about the process.

But before we could even schedule a meeting we were told that we had to decide if we would be going the domestic or international route. This was not what I wanted to hear because I wanted to talk with a knowledgeable individual about the differences between the two. Unfortunately, different employees handle the different types of adoption and that’s why I needed to know which route I wanted to explore. I guess I could’ve scheduled two separate meetings, but I didn’t think about that at the time.

Stalled…

Honestly, I felt like I got stopped in my excited tracks. I was having such a hard time deciding what I truly felt God was showing me as our adoption journey. Most of this is probably because I have a hard time making decisions. There’s a fear that I’ll choose wrong and something won’t go well. But, through this journey I’ve learned a lot about what choosing actually looks like. So, for a year I took time to research different types of adoption, have discussions with my husband, reflect, discuss with friends, reflect some more, and then decide. It was a long process, but one that ended up giving me a lot more clarity.

Adoption Inquiry Meeting…

After a year of weighing domestic vs. international, we decided to look into domestic adoption. The next step was to schedule our adoption inquiry meeting with the agency and learn as much as we could about the process before filling out the application. This meeting ended up being really helpful and we got some clarity on private vs. fostering adoption, costs, getting matched with a child, and the steps through it all. We knew that we had another long process ahead of us, but we were up for the journey because this was about our future child!

Fast Forward…

Everything above this paragraph was written prior to my post Adoption Update: April 28, 2019. Since that post, we have had so many more interactions with people about their experiences with adoption and we are yet again rethinking and praying about some of our initial decisions. This truly is a process and not one to be taken lightly or to rush ahead in. Please pray for us that God will make things more clear for us and that He will guide us in the adoption steps that are His best for our family, current and future.

In all this, I’m learning that important decisions don’t necessarily have a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path. There are usually many good paths and some bad ones. Obviously, we want to choose from the good ones. God teaches us to be patient in the waiting, always listening for when He’ll show us which next step to take. Also, we can be sure that no matter what good choice we make, God will bring about His goodness in the journey.

Leadership, My Story, Praise and Worship, Voice

Perfection to Praise – Part 2

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Perfection to Praise

A wise friend said to me, ‘Leading praise and worship is not about perfection (self-focus), but about bringing people into the presence of God (God-focus).’ When I first heard this it jarred me. Was she saying that she didn’t think I could lead worship from a heart of praise, but that I’d be longing for perfection and the affirmations from people instead? Whoa! Time out! I had to think about this. I dearly loved my friend and knew that she was not saying this to hurt me, but rather to challenge me. Since I also dearly loved God, I didn’t want to do this worship stuff ‘wrong.’ But even that response was self-focused. My mindset was so focused on the ‘right’ and the ‘wrong’ way to do things that even in this, I was using a perfectionistic mindset.

Praise of Man or Praise to God…

Because of my friend’s caution to study my heart before jumping on the church stage, I paused and considered my motives. I still participated in the praise choir weekends and even co-led them. I really enjoyed doing this. I also led a group of carolers in the Christmas season for multiple years and this group had the opportunity to join up with a local music store and carol around at area businesses! Finally, I served on the kids worship team, but I still didn’t move forward with trying out for the worship team because I just couldn’t figure out if my motives were to perform and hear praises from people or to truly lead a congregation with a heart turned fully towards God.

  • Caroling group that I co-led
  • Leading kids’ worship (me on the right) with Val!

Insecurities…

I also had a hidden insecurity. What if I wasn’t good enough? I was asked once, just once, to do background vocals at a leader’s meeting many years ago. It didn’t go well. In my defense, I had barely any practice, not a lot of feedback or input, and I wasn’t confident in harmonizing since all of my experience was in singing the melody! But this realization, that if I was going to be on the worship team I’d have to begin with harmonizing, was terrifying. For me, it was SO MUCH EASIER to sing the melody than come up with harmonies on my own. So, I practiced in the audience for many years. When it was time to sing, I’d turn my heart to God and also try out some harmonizing in the safety of a thousand voices.

Where am I now?

Today, I trust my heart enough to sing with purity of praise to my wonderful Heavenly Father. I can even harmonize much more confidently and accurately. But the stage of life that I’m in makes being a regular member of a worship team a very difficult task. I don’t feel like God is calling me to sing on-stage right now. Instead, I have the privilege to teach on-stage vocalists and see them improve and go further because of proper voice use! My heart bursts into praise as I lift my voice with my students and the congregants around me. But, God’s stirring something else. He’s been talking to me about honing this skill and being self-led in worship. So, I’m learning to play piano chords and sing at the same time in the private space of my home. Jesus and me… and my little kiddos, playing in the swirl of music, voice, and praise.

Check out my earlier post leading up to this time: Perfection to Praise – Part 1

My Story, Praise and Worship, Voice

Perfection to Praise – Part 1

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Worship Thread

Years ago, God challenged me to reconsider my motives for leading worship on stage. Some might be surprised that I would write on worship because outwardly, it doesn’t look like I have much to do with the worship community. However, I’ve been connected to it here and there throughout the years since high school. More recently, I’ve been involved through teaching voice lessons to many worship leaders.

So, as I reflect on my past , I see the connections woven throughout. I’ve been on the church stage my entire life. My earliest known solo was when I was a pre-schooler! From there, I’ve been involved in as many weekend services and special events as children and teens are welcome to participate in. Those were all fun and I loved being on the stage. But, my true ‘praise & worship’ participation began in high school. I was already a performer at heart and so it was natural to join the youth worship team as one of the singers. I LOVED singing with this group. When we went on our mission trip, I got to sing with the band there too! What a thrill. Truly, I would be happy to sing anywhere and at any time.

Singing onstage at church as a pre-schooler

Studying Music…

When I got to college, I didn’t sing on a praise team anymore, but I was constantly on-stage. Most of my time was spent studying music and performing with my academic groups rather than doing music recreationally or with my church. I spent hours practicing solo and chorus songs. I applied technique and really got to know my voice and how to manage it and make it go where it needed to go. I thoroughly enjoyed this process, but my performance mindset was shifting. The world of musical study is often associated with working towards perfection. I still experienced great joy in singing, but a lot of it was filled with being constantly aware of how ‘on target’ I was in my tonality. Of course, I didn’t notice the subtle shift happening inwardly, but I did know that every day I wanted to work towards improvement and get better and better.

My college choir singing in Europe! (I’m in the middle front)

Life After College…

When I graduated, I received my Bachelor’s of Music in Applied Performance: Vocal Emphasis. After my choir toured in Europe, I got married and moved to a new state to prepare for my next stage of life: being the wife to a Physics PhD student! I had already been teaching voice lessons during college, but stopped for the first year of marriage as I adjusted to what my new life would be like. I worked full time in a non-music job for the next four years. After a year of not teaching, I had to get back into it. A part of me really was missing without it. So, I started teaching again and little by little grew my voice studio to a part-time business. At the same time, I got involved in my local worship community by co-leading the praise choir at our worship leader’s invitation.

Perfection to Praise…

During this time, I became good friends with a worship background vocalist. I talked with her about being on the worship team as a background vocalist and what that would be like. The only thing I remember from that conversation was her remark that ‘leading praise and worship is not about perfection (self-focus), but about bringing people into the presence of God (God-focus).’ This really got me thinking about my heart behind wanting to be on the team. Was it for worship and praise to God or for perfection and praise from people?

more to come on my heart journey of worship…

My Story

Braids, Gospel, and Connection

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Braids, Gospel, and Connection

Sometimes I wonder if a part of me was born black, and when I say that I mean, a part of me relates to a part of the African American culture. As a child I saw all the amazing things about the African American culture around me; awesome braids and hair extensions, amazing music, cool dance moves, a strong religious community, and a close extended family. But, as I got older, I learned about some of the hard aspects of that culture too. Truth be told, I still learn things all the time! I didn’t really know what to do with those hard things. So, while I continued to admire the good, I pushed the hard aside. My excuse… I was young. I love how children see the good, the gold, and the hope, and rarely see the struggle. They build their initial worldview on the positive first and after that’s been formed, they move forward in understanding the hard things too.

Sometimes I Wished I was Black…

There were times that I wanted to be black. I wanted to wear my hair in amazing braids with beads! I wanted to attend the high spirited gospel churches portrayed in the movies, but mostly, I wanted to sing gospel music. One time when I was a teenager, I was singing to myself while outside on a walk. An older African American friend/mentor of mine called out to me, ‘Girl, you could be a black woman!’ I hadn’t seen her walking behind me and my heart soared as I thought that surely she was referring to my singing voice. As I turned around and said hello, she said, ‘Those hips are black woman hips!’ Well, that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting to hear, but it’s a precious memory of a woman from another American culture accepting me.

  • I loved having these cornrows!
  • Duet with Leon. Song by Mariah Carey & Brian McKnight

Getting Wiser…

I now know, that every culture has so much more to it than the small parts we see. I have learned that every culture has a history marked by achievements and progress along with pain and tragedy . To say that you want someone else’s heritage to be your own means accepting not just the parts that you like, but also the parts that you don’t like. It means entering into the whole of that culture and maybe even setting yours aside.

Acceptance and Relationship…

As an adult, I realized that I didn’t actually want to be from another culture and leave all that I came from behind. What I was really longing for in this case, was a connection to the black community. I wanted to be accepted by this community, to learn from the people, and to grow in relationship with them. I’m still growing and learning all the time. It’ll be a process for my entire life – one where I’ll likely make mistakes that hurt others (I’m sorry in advance) and make mistakes that embarrass me (oops!), but also hopefully make relationships that’ll change my heart forever.

Sweet Sophia and me. I loved how she called me, ‘My Love.’

Post Script:In talking with an African American friend, whose thoughts and opinions I highly value, he applauded me for my openness and also suggested that some people might ask me the following questions:

  1. Why can’t you be white and sing gospel?
  2.  Is there a rule somewhere that enforces that white people can’t have braids, cornrows, or any other hair style that originated with black and brown people?

These two questions have been rolling around in my mind and really challenging me on how I would answer them. I hope to write a post or two addressing these questions in the future!

Adoption, My Story

Playing Orphanage

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Playing Orphanage

Most kids I know play ‘house’ or ‘family’. Me? I played ‘orphanage.’ I’m not sure why exactly. It probably came out of my sister’s wonderful imagination. She, being 7 years older than me, had a very developed creative play world. Or.. maybe it came from our favorite stories, The Little Princess, Anne of Green Gables or Annie.

  • My sister and me

How it Went…

The game went like this: Dressed in ‘rags’, my sister would leave me on the ‘doorstep’ of our bedroom door. Then she’d come out of the door and ‘discover’ that someone had left a baby – me! She’d gather me in her arms and take me in. She dressed me, fed me, and played with me. She cared for all my needs and the life of ‘little orphan Brittany’ was secure.

Influencing Now…

Safe Surrender

This childhood game fanned the flame of adoption in me. Oddly enough, it’s not an altogether absurd idea – people leaving babies on doorsteps. In my research on adoption, I came across a lot of stories, mostly international, about children being left in open-air places to be purposely found and cared for. I imagine that these birth parents gave up their children with a hope that they would be found and provided for in a way that they couldn’t provide at that time. We don’t see babies left on doorsteps a lot in the US, but there are places for parents to relinquish their babies. These are safe places where they will be taken care of and moved into a system to help find them permanent care. These places are designated with a sign like the one above.

What’s This Mean for Us?

Since we’re probably going to adopt domestically, it’s unrealistic that we’ll run into this situation and be the parents that bring home a baby ‘left on a doorstep.’ But many babies and children today need families that are in a position to take them in and care for them. There are so many stories out there of why children need adoptive families. There are as many unique stories as there are children. I know my future adoptive child will have a story that’s full of both love & heartache and I will be honored to be the one to walk through it with him or her.

Adoption, My Story

Village Mindset

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Village Mindset…

In looking into adoption, I’ve combed through many books, blogs, and internet sites. One term that’s come up repeatedly is Kinship Care (formal or informal). Kinship care refers to the care of children by relatives or close family friends (often referred to as fictive kin) for children who must be removed from their birth parents. Immediately my mind thinks of that old adage, ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ As I’ve raised my own children, I have often thought about this saying. In our current society it can seem like we don’t often see this village mindset in action. We so often feel like we have to independently go at it alone and in so doing miss the blessing of a community.

My Own Village…

When I first married, we moved to a town where we had no family in order for my husband to attend grad school. He did have a few friends from his childhood (fictive kin), but I had no one. I eventually made friends and found my community. It was life-giving to have others to ‘do life’ with. After the birth of our first child, I again found myself needing more community – a bigger village. Over the years more and more of our family members have moved to town and I’ve discovered how much of a ‘village’ I had still been missing. The help and support I’ve received from our family (blood and fictive) these past years has been priceless. Sure, I could’ve done it on my own, but the outcome would have been very different and much more difficult.

  • My in-town Olson family
  • My in-town Putman family

Receiving my Own…

Accepting help and encouragement from ‘my village’ has set me on a trajectory of emotional, spiritual, and personal health. It’s bolstered my energy, peace, and love. I’ve learned how to give because of the ways I’ve been given to. Being raised in and raising kids in a village is amazing and awesome. Not only is it good for my kids, but it’s good for me too. I’m so thankful for the communities and families that model the village mindset of supporting those around them. I guess one could say, ‘It takes a village to raise a parent,’ too.

Adoption, My Story

Grandma Johnson

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Grandma Johnson

Little did I know growing up that the adoption thread in my family didn’t start with us! You see, I have five cousins that were adopted (from Korea and Costa Rica). But my brother was the first (adopted from Indonesia), or so I thought. I don’t remember when I learned, but my own grandmother was adopted as an early adolescent after being abandoned, going through foster care and living in an orphanage.

The Life and Times…

Grandma’s mother died when she was a young girl. After that, her father remarried. Sadly, her step-mother didn’t really ‘choose to accept’ these step-children and they weren’t treated kindly. Her dad was a bit of a shady character too. He wasn’t around all the time and he had some run-ins with the law. Sadly, she was eventually forced out of her home through abandonment. She entered into foster care and thankfully, had a wonderful foster mom. This woman was involved in a church community where Grandma met a wonderful Sunday School teacher.

Grandma Johnson (left) and her two brothers around the time her mom died

Unfortunately, her foster mom had to have a serious surgery and couldn’t care for her anymore. So Grandma was put into the orphanage. This was so sad for her foster mom, that she pleaded with the people in her church to adopt my grandma. After praying, the kind Sunday School teacher and her husband felt like they should adopt Grandma Johnson. So they did!

Changed For Good…

I never heard my grandma talk about her childhood, but God brought about so much good from her hardship. She married my precious and gentle Grandpa Johnson and they had six children. Each of those children had kids (a mix of both biological and adopted) giving her 29 grandkids, six of whom are adopted. In the next generation, my generation, there are so many great grandkids and we’re still counting! But, out of them all (so far) there have been eight adoptions and I hope to add to that number through our own adoption journey.

Grandma and Grandpa J. with their Children and Grandchildren circa 1989

Legacy…

Grandma Johnson truly started a family legacy. Because of one caring woman who advocated for Grandma Johnson and one couple that listened to the Lord’s leading, an adoption legacy was birthed. I’m so excited to continue it in my own family! It also makes me wonder, what legacy will God write into my story? How will God use the ups and downs of my life to change a generation, and the one after that!

Grandma Johnson at our family reunion circa 1998
Adoption, My Story

White Savior?!?

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White Savior…

Two words that really shook me were ‘white savior.’ I read it in a blog and maybe a book and thought about it a bit. I then worried whether that term applied to me or not in regards to my desire to adopt transracially. I kept thinking about it and decided that it was not the case. But, I ran into a friend who advised me not to list a preferred race on my adoption application because people might perceive it as the ‘white savior complex.’ I value this friend’s thoughts on the topic and so this comment really got me thinking. After all, I don’t think she thought of me this way, but how in the world can I help others to understand that it’s not in my heart to adopt “just to feel good about myself and bring up a non-white baby to be white-like”?

Interracial Family…

All my life, I pictured a diverse family. You see, I grew up in an interracial family. My brother and I were different skin colors. He is Indonesian and I am white. Being 11 years younger than him, I didn’t discuss his entry into our family (adoption), and he didn’t discuss mine (biological). We just were family. As an adult, I now see there was probably times of discomfort on his end in being a different ethnicity from the rest of the family, but I also hope there was joy. This wasn’t the only picture I saw of interracial adoption either. Of the 14 adoptions in my extended family, they’ve all been interracial, even the ones by non-white adopters, like my brother. What I saw of adoption was beautiful and colorful (can I say that?). I pictured my future family as being interracial and growing through adoption.

My older sister and I with our aunt holding our dolls.
Our family made sure our dolls were interracial.

Define White Savior…

Wikipedia defines white savior as “a white person who acts to help non-white people, with the help in some contexts perceived to be self-serving.” Let me just clearly say, this is not what we are doing in wanting to adopt a non-white child. We believe God is calling us to adopt transracially. Ultimately, this isn’t about our choice, it is about obedience.

Preparation…

Even though God’s showing us that now is time to move forward with adoption, the truth is that God placed this dream in my heart as a young child and has been preparing me throughout my life. My experience of growing up in a transracial family (immediate and extended) is just one of the ways He prepared me for His desire for my future family. As I reflect back to my childhood friendships I realize that many of my friends were fostered and/or adopted. This did not shape my view of my friends, but it was a part of who they were. Finally, being on the younger end of my extended family has given me many opportunities to see my cousins and brother love, nurture, discipline/train-up, and fully accept their adopted children, while still encouraging the cultural heritage they are a part of and preparing them for the world ahead of them. God has been preparing me (and He still is) for walking in obedience to His direction for us to adopt a child that’s racially different from us.

Obedience…

We choose to obey the call of God on our lives to adopt transracially. We are not unaware that it will be hard and that we will be stretched to grow in so many areas of our lives. But we are committed to take the hard along with the plentiful good. We are committed to learn what we need to learn to help all of our children understand not only my husband’s and my culture, but the culture of our adopted child. We will not be afraid to ask questions, seek answers, and find support for each unknown in our future. We are excited to grow in our adoption and we are honored to be the ones to love and cherish our next child.

No, I am not the savior in this adoption. I am white, but the longing for our future child comes out of a deep place, a calling put inside me by my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Me with one of our childhood dolls

Post Script: After talking with another friend about this topic, she said something that was a really good reminder and a truth I’ll need to keep in mind:

“Some people are just going to think about you in this way (white savior complex) and you won’t be able to change their minds.”

This is always a good thing to keep in mind. We need to be more motivated by what God says and what is true in our heart than by what other’s might think.